Alone...never again

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -- Romans 8:37-39

It would surprise most people who have known me to hear me say I have always been a very lonely individual. For as long as I can remember, I have had a loneliness in my heart that nothing could overcome.

As a very young child, I played outside of my house from early morning until dark. When I was old enough to start spending the night out, I would, as much as possible. I would never have anyone to my house to spend the night. As I have mentioned, my Father was Bi-Polar and an alcoholic. I never knew when he would go off on a rampage...screaming, violence...so I made sure not to invite people to my house and I tried to escape as much as possible.

After my Father left, when I was a teenager, I still spent most of my time trying to escape my house. My Mother, God rest her soul, worked very hard to support us, but she also spent a good bit of her energy in bitter regret of what her life had become. I couldn't stand being there and seeing it. I can remember spending weekends away with friends and then upon my return home feeling an overwhelming suffocating loneliness. It was palpable. Oh how I hated that feeling.

When I grew up, I became a leader in everything I did. I wanted respect and love from people. I thought if I could establish myself as a leader, I could get the admiration I longed for.

In my first marriage, I remember feeling like my husband just couldn't love me enough. No matter what I did, I never felt really truly loved. I left him because I wasn't happy, and I couldn't logically explain why.

I spent the next ten years looking for a love I just couldn't seem to find. I found myself in very destructive relationships, did things I am extremely ashamed of, all on the quest for someone to love me.

I threw myself into a career where I excelled so I could garner admiration. Neglecting my family in my attempt to feel something I always knew was missing.

I finally found myself married to a wonderful man but still feeling incredibly alone. I couldn't understand. I should have been so happy but I wasn't. The loneliness that had been with me from my earliest remembrances wouldn't let go. What was wrong with me?

Finally, one August morning, I was so desperately alone I was physically hyperventilating. I had taken two Xanac and could get no relief. I had called my sister on the phone, crying hysterically but not able to tell her what was wrong. I hung the phone up and right then, not knowing what else to do or where else to turn, I hit my knees and cried out to God.

I listed out every bad thing I had done, and like I said, that list was long and shameful. I told him I had no idea what I was doing nor did I think I deserved forgiveness, but I asked him to please take away the pain in my heart, the all consuming loneliness. I begged for peace.

God met me right there. He told me to get up look on my computer and he found someone to help me. In one click, I found Kay Arthur and her Precepts for Life. She was doing a bible study on the Holy Spirit!! I watched everyone episode.

God showed me clearly in the days and months that followed exactly what I was missing. It was His love my heart was aching for. We were made to love and be loved by God. Without that relationship we whither and die.

I can now say the empty space in my heart has been filled to overflowing with the Holy Spirit. I know with absolute certainty I will never be alone again. I will never suffer those feelings again. For God so loved me, He gave His Son to die for me (Jn 3:16). All those awful things I had done in search for love were forgiven. I was born anew in Christ.

Sure I will face hardship and disappointments, but God will be right there with me. I now walk with Jesus everyday. I have a newfound purpose in life. I am complete!!

I know God will use all of my life experiences for His good. My experiences, as shameful as they might be, can be used to help others who are feeling that same loneliness. My New Year's resolution is to tell my story and reach out to those who need to find the peace and love only God can give them. For I understand first hand what it feels like to be consumed with loneliness.

"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -- Romans 8:28